Tour Predictions

Who will win this year’s Tour de France? Mon ami at Twisted Spoke has, by far, the most clever predictions of the Tour’s top ten finishers. I couldn’t top that. But here are my predictions of events leading up to and après Paris:

10. Powerful crosswinds in Rotterdam blow rail-thin Andy Schleck off a bridge during the opening time trial. He is rescued from the river by a Dutch couple in a canoe, given a new TT bike and finishes with the worst rider’s time — only 30 seconds back from the leader.

9. On the cobblestones of Stage 3, Alexandre Vinokourov (accidentally?) knocks over Astana teammate and two-time Tour champion Alberto Contador. Oops. The ensuing fist fight is broken up by Jens Voigt who then catches up to the peloton, makes a solo attack and wins the stage.

8. Somewhere on the streets of Brussels, Floyd Landis is spotted shouting expletives at Lance Armstrong (something to do about drugs) and the video gets a million hits on YouTube.

7. Mark Cavendish wins all but one sprint stage, which he will say he “gave” to Tom Boonen as a booby prize. Boonen somehow rides to Paris in the green points jersey.

6. As Stage 7 heads east into the mountains, Lance Armstrong meets a beautiful mademoiselle, takes her back to the Shack (his team bus), fathers her child, then catches up with the rear of the peloton. Unlike previous years where Armstrong was able to pass the peloton and perhaps win the stage, this time he loses 20 seconds on top rivals, ending his dream of an eighth Tour win.

5. During Stage 8, Denis Menchov slips in the rain and his Rabobank teammate Robert Gesink takes over the hill-climbers polka-dot jersey. Menchov later drops out of the Tour with a broken chicken wing.

4. Graham Watson requests Tour organizers reroute Stage 13 as locusts have eaten all the sunflowers in the Southern French countryside that make his photos look oh-so-cool.

3. Wheaties rejects Contador. There will be no cereal box covers for the the new Tour champion. Contador starts his own cereal brand, which sort of look like yellow fruit loops. He calls them “Puert-ohs.”

2. Bob Roll proposes to one of the podium girls. They later marry and name their twin boys Big George and Small Hincapie.

1. Everyone’s favorite Brit Phil Liggett announces his rubber band has snapped. He packs his mic, retires to Aspen, Colo., and settles into a chalet next door to the Armstrongs where he will be their adopted pappy. In an effort to boost their careers, Robin Williams and Billy Crystal vie to replace Liggett. Unfortunately, Craig Hummer takes the reigns.

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